It’s a Magical Life December 25th, 1995 There was much happiness at Hogwarts that Christmas. Part of this was that, because of the recent failures in Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers, Dumbledore had re-hired Professer Lupin. And there were few people who cared whethere he was a werewolf or not. The shadow of Cedric Diggory’s death still hung over the heads of every witch and wizard at Hogwarts like an angry black stormcloud of evil, but, in the warmth of the roaring fires, and the illumination of the lights that shown every bough of the dozen noble firs in the great hall, the evil of the rest of the world was almost forgotten in this utopia of warmth and joy. But to those who had felt the evil of Voldemort first-hand in the past, no ammount of Christmas cheer could dull the pain within their hearts. So as the rest of the school celebrated, Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore, and Remus Lupin in particular, felt a heavy sadness in their souls. The Yule Ball had been such a success last year (amung most people anyway) that it was being held again, even though there was no Triwizard Turnament. A/N: Yeah, I know it’s a cliche. Be happy, it doesn’t matter that much. Dumbledore had put on a brave face and forced a smile. Harry tried to forget the pain for a little while and attempt to enjoy himself. But Remus just couldn’t do it. I never was a very good actor, he sighed to himself. The south-eastern tower of Hogwarts is one of those things that is hidden in plain view. It is obviously there, there are no forget-spells or invisibility charms on it. But for some reason it just seems to slip through the cracks of peoples memories. Few people ever venture there, and even fewer come again. For as the visitors are few and far between, and the inhabitants nought but cobwebs, the decor is in a sorry state, to say the least. This place offered ultimate solitude, so that is where Remus Lupin was Christmas Eve of 1995. Though physically he was in a dusty tower, fifteen stories above a thousand joyful students, his mind was hundreds of miles and fourteen years away. December 24th, 1980 "Remus have you killed that book yet?" Remus jerked from his reading with a start. He had been deeply immersed in The Fellowship of the Ring, when Sirius interrupted his train of thought. Sirius did have point, Remus had had the same copy of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy since he was ten, and had never tired of reading them over and over. This particular book, the cover was half ripped off, the binding broken in five different places, and the cover and pages splattered and stained with a decade’s worth of tea, juice and coffee. "What?" "Never mind." Sirius said, "You know it’s really not fair to keep us here on Christmas Eve." They had been working on a mission for the Ministry of Magic, tracking some of the Aurors, who were in Romania attempting to find Voldemorts stronghold. It was a necessary, and very important, task, in case Voldemort learned of the Aurors’ location. But as long as things were going well, it was exceedingly dull to be sitting in a Ministry office, staring at magical maps. Especially on Christmas Eve. Remus said nothing. Now was not exactly the best time to get involved in a conversation with Sirius. For at the moment, he and James were building a house out of Exploding Snap cards. And whenever Sirius’ attention drifted (as it did often) the card castle would sway ominously and come periously close to toppling. Remus was sitting a little ways away, reading. "Honestly, I feel like Bob Cratchet!" Sirius added as an afterthought. He probably shouldn’t have, for as he did, the house of cards tilted and collasped with quite a bang. Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius started building a new card castle in the smoking ruins. Leaving them to their miniture pyrotecnic architecture, Remus went back to his reading. "I wonder what Harry and Lily are doing." James sighed wistfully. This time it was his fault the tower crashed and burned. If there was one thing you could say for Sirius, it was that he was tenatious. Every time the building collapsed he would start building it back up immediately, often scorching his fingers in the process. Remus ignored them and plodded along through a few more chapters of Tolkein, as Sirius and James started up a badly off-key rendition of 'The Twelve Day of Christmas' (with new lyrics of course, though they should probably not be mentioned here). Two hours later, around seven in the evening, their shift was over. The next group, who were to take their places, hadn’t arrived yet, but Sirius and James were getting impatient. James was in a hurry to go home to his wife and son, and Sirius was blathering on about some new girlfriend. Remus was in almost as much of a hurry to go home and see Robyn, but he was a little more patient than the other two. So he told them that he could watch on things for a little while, and they departed, leaving him alone in the office, with the card castle and the maps. Just for the sake of ammusing himself until my replacement arrived, Remus started adding cards to the house. Apparantly, he was not as good at it as Sirius and James, for after adding only three cards the whole thing collapsed in a small inferno of flames and smoke. It was just Remus’ bad luck that it happened to crash right onto the map he was supposed to be watching, reducing it to cinders. At that moment he thought no more of it than that he had ruined a very magical map, and had not been doing his job. Fortunately, as he fled the scene, Remus passed his replacement in the hallway. Remus caught up with Sirius and James outside, and they walked a few blocks together in the wind and snow, before separating and going their separate ways. It felt wonderful to step into the nice warm house, after truding through that snow. After fumbling as he tried to turn the key with numbed fingers, Remus was greeted with a scene of absolute warmth and joy. A fire was crackling in the fire place. The room was bathed in a soft glow from the hundred of tiny lights that covered the pine tree in the corner. The delicious aroma of something good baking in the oven, wafted in from the kitchen. And outside, through the frosted glass of the windows, you could see the snow falling, not seeming quite as cold from here in the warmth. But the best part of the scene, to Remus Lupin anyway, was the young woman who had just poked her head around the doorway that led out of the kitchen. There was nothing extrodinary about Robyn Goodfellow (for that is who this woman was). She was about five-foot-four and rather skinny. She had brown hair that would fall in disheveled ringlets in front of her face, and brown eyes that were always merry and twinkling. She had a mild temper, not much of one really, and a very sweet disposition. She was much like Remus, in fact, though not quite as serious as him. At the moment she was coated in a nice dusting of flour, and had chocolate smeared on her freckled nose. "Finally!" she exclaimed running over to Remus, throwing her arms about him and kissing him. "I was beginning to think they’d never let you go! I’ve been waiting for you for an hour. Dinner’s ready, and as you can see, I was making cookies. They really shouldn’t do this to you and Sirius and James, especially on Christmas. I’m absolutely...covered in flours. Oh, gosh! I’m sorry Remus!" This last statement was directed at the fact that her embrace had gotten flour all over Remus’ robes, and that her kiss had smudged chocolate on his nose as well. They both dissolved into laughter, and kissed again, getting more chocolate on each other’s faces. "Do you want your present now or later?" Robyn asked as she hurried off to the kitchen to take the food out of the oven before it burned. "After dinner," Remus replied, handing her a potholder. Robyn was rather forgetful of such things. She had burnt her hand cooking more than once. "You certainly have a great deal more patience than your friends," she commented. "Sirius practically tackled me." Dinner was a very enjoyable affair, even if it was slightly burnt. I never said she could cook, Remus thought to himself. He volunteered to make dessert, and the pie came out considerably better than the entreé had. After dinner, the two of them settled down in front of the fireplace, sipping hot cider. "So do you want your present now?" Robyn asked again. "Alright," Remus agreed. Robyn handed him a brightly wrapped package. "Hey, is it okay if I give you your’s before I open it?" he asked. "Sure." Robyn twisted around a bit so that she could still sit in his lap, but look up at him expectantly. "Well I have to get it," he said laughing, as he pushed her off his lap. He went into the other room, was gone for a few moments, but didn’t appear to have anything when he came back. He held out both clenched fists. "Pick a hand." Robyn giggled and pointed to his right hand. He opened it, and it was empty. He kissed her. "Try again," he said in a teasing voice. She picked the same hand, and expected another kiss. "No, you already picked that hand. Can’t have the same thing twice," Remus teased, trying to (and succeeding) not laugh. She picked the other hand. This on unclenched to reveal a golden ring set with a diamond. He slipped it onto her finger. "Robyn, will you marry me?" He had been hoping for a yes. At the very least he had been expecting an answer. But for several moments Robyn just stood there frozen, to shocked to say anything. "I...I...I don’t know.." she finally stammered. "I mean, I love you, but get married? Gosh...I...I...I...We’ve only been together for 2 years...But I love you so much..." By this point she was more talking to herself. Remus was standing there, extremely nervous. Robyn was silent for a few more seconds and seemed to regain her composure somewhat during that time. "I can’t. I just...can’t" "I understand," Remus lied sympathetically. The truth was, he didn’t understand at all. She loved him, he loved her, they had known each other for 9 years...oh my god. It’s because I’m a werewolf. "Maybe I should go." Robyn said, trying (and not succeeding) not to cry. Remus couldn’t say anything at all. Robyn quietly put on her coat and walked to the door. She stood there and looked back at Remus’s sad figure crumpled in a despairing heap on the floor. "Goodbye Remus." He didn’t respond. He didn’t even look up to see her go. He just sat there clutching the golden ring she had left behind. As the cold tears of sorrow that he could not control began corsing down his face, he picked up the package that Robyn had given him. He contemplated it for a moment, before throwing it in the fire. Merry Christmas. Remus somehow found the energy to drag himself to bed, and laid there awake for hours, tossing and turning, before he cried himself to sleep. It is never a nice thing to be rudely awoken at an early hour of the morning, but being rudely awoken only hours after someonehas crushed your heart, is almost unbearable torture. Had Sirius Black know what his friend had gone through last night, he never would have knocked on Remus’ door that morning, even considering the message he was supposed to deliver. Even under normal circumstances, Sirius Black would not wake anone before six without a good reason. And this day, Christmas Day of 1980, he had a very good reason, even if the news wasn’t good. "Remus! Remus!" Had Remus not recognized the voice of the person banging on his door and yelling, he probably would have killed him. But knowing (rather subconciously) that Sirius wouldn’t wake him without a good reason, Remus walked out into the living room, but did not open the door. Sirius pounded the knocker a few more times, before letting himself in. "It’s the Bones." Sirius said rather breatlessly, sounding as if he had ran here. That was likely, as Remus did not see him holding a motorcycle helmet, which was usual. Remus’s expression changed from extreme annoyance to confusion. Will Bone had been a great friend of Remus’ while they were at Hogwarts. They were both rather scholarly types, though Will was more of a dreamer, an writer, poet and playwright. Lately Will had just had his first novel published. And now some terrible trajedy had befallen him and his family. "Voldemort killed them." At this Remus collapsed onto the floor, crying. Sirius immedeately rushed over to his friend andput an arm around his shoulders. It took a while but eventually Sirius got the story straight. About an hour later they had both calmed down (Remus had stoped sobbing, and Sirius had stopped threatening to kill Robyn), and walked the few blocks to the ministry. Sirius said that he never would have made Remus go, but it was on Dumbledore’s and the Minister’s orders. On the snow covered steps of the Ministry of Magic, Sirius and Remus met up with Lily, James and Harry. "What’s he doing here?" Remus asked Lily, by way of greeting. "What do mean, what am I doing here?" Jame said, thinking the question was aimed at him. "Not you, Harry." "Well, at the moment, he’s being a very naughty boy." Lily scolded. Harry was busy entwining his stubby little fingers in her long red hair and yanking on it. "Ow." Remus gently lifted Harry out of her arms and cradled him against his chest. Remus ignored everyone but the happy infant as Sirius explained what had happened to Remus, and Lily and James told Sirius about the Bones. Harry, Remus thought to himself. You look so happy. It must be nice to live in such a carefree and innocent world. Where everybody loves you. No one breaks your heart. No one cares what you are. Where there’s no evil. I just can’t stand this life anymore. In the words of the recently departed John Lennon, I wish I was a baby, I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead... "It was the strangest thing," James was telling Sirius. "The Auror’s got captured by Voldemort, and got the location of the Bones tortured out of them. The weird thing is, the guys who had the shift after us, said they never found the map that we were tracking the Aurors on, and that if they had, they would have been able to warn them that there were Deatheaters around. But that preposterous. The map was there when we left. Right next to our card castle." Remus had heard these last few sentances, and upon hearing them, almost dropped Harry. It was my fault. It was my fault they died. Luckily by this time, Lily had tied her hair back, and was able to hold Harry again. Which was fortunate. Babies don’t bounce well. Lily and James wanted to take Harry home and get out of the cold, and Sirius needed to talk to Dumbledore. Sirius said that Dumbledore did want to talk to Remus, but would understand if he didn’t want to. Remus decided to skip going into the Ministry. "Yeah. You should probably go home and have some breakfast," Sirius advised. "Yeah," Remus agreed rather half-heartedly. Really he had no intention of going home. Home was a scene of heart-break, despair and sadness. Remus spent the next few hours wandering about London. During this time the snow started falling harder and the temperature dropped. Around noon he found himself in a small suburb to the east, quite near Godrics Hollow. It was a quaint little town, looking like a gingerbread village in the falling snow. Toward the north end of the town, there was a river that was spanned by a steel bridge. It was not a large river, but it was not small either. Remus walked out across the bridge and looked down at the water below. Remus had never seen anything quite as cold-looking as that river. The color was cold steel grey, identical to the bridge that crossed it. The water tumbled and frothed violently and the snow falling on it’s surface wrapped it all up as being a deathly torrent of gelidity. Remus became deaf to any sounds besides the rushing water, and blind to any sight but that of the platinum rolling surface of the water. I wish I was dead, I wish I was dead, I wish I was dead.... December 25th, 1995 Remus Lupin’s oh-so-vivid memory swam out of focus, and he felt a presence behind him. He turned to see none other than Albus Dumbledore standing there behind him. A cold breeze was blowing, and the old man’s long silver hair and beard were blowing every which was in the helter skelter wind. "It wouldn't have helped," Dumbledore said suddenly. "What?" Remus asked. "Killing yourself." "No, it would have been better if I'd never been born." "Remus, for such an intellegent man, I'm surprised at you. Do you know what the world would be like if you were not born?" Remus said nothing. Dumbledore continued. "If you had never been born, Voldemort would control the world right now. That's right. If you weren't a werewolf, Sirius Black and James Potter never would have become Animagi. If Sirius and James had never become Animagic, James would have died that night when he escaped from the Death Eaters in Romania. If James hadn't escaped he would have died at the age of nineteen. And Harry Potter never would have been born. And Voldemort never would have been defeated. And that's only one event that would have been changed. When you were a proffessor here two years ago, you touched the life of every student and teacher at Hogwarts. You taught Harry how to defeat boggarts, which helped him get through the maze, which helped him win the Triwizard Tournament, which helped him escape Voldemort again. Do you see Remus, you've really had a wonderful life." "But I've made so many mistakes," Remus protested. "Everyone does," Dumbledore said, his blue eyes twinkling merrily. "But as a very wise muggle one said, 'To err is human to forgive divine.' And no one expects divinity from you." Remus contemplated that for a minute, deciding that the old man really was right. "Does the memory end there?" Dumbledore questioned. Of all things the headmaster could have said, Remus certainly wasn’t expecting this. But he didn’t question Dumbledore. Remus had know Albus Dumbledore since 1971, and if there was anything he had learned during that time, it was that Dumbledore knew everything. Omnicience was his middle name. "Is that all?" Dumbledore pressed. Remus searched back into the far reaches of his memory, but came up with nothing. Everything had dissolved into misty grey shadows. The memory ended at the river. As was his style, Dumbledore seemed to know this before Remus told him. "This may remind you,: Dumbledore said handing Remus a package. "Merry Christmas." Remus untied the ribbon, unwrapped the paper, looked inside and began to cry. December 25th, 1980 A hand clamped down on Remus’ shoulder. A gloved hand attached to a cloaked arm. Turning, Remus saw the face of Sirius Black looking out at him from inside a fur-lined hood. "Hey, man, what are you doing out here?" Sirius questioned rather rhetorically. "It is COLD! Let’s go back, Lily and James have already started dinner." And with that, Sirius took Remus by the arm and directed him rather forcefully to where his infamous flying motorcycle stood, a few feet behind them. "How did you know where I was?" Remus asked just as Sirius was putting his helmet on. "I followed you of course," Sirius said, pulling his helmet off again. Remus looked puzzled, so Sirius elaborated. "I knew how you were feeling. You think I was about to let you wander off on your own? And Dumbledore told me about what happened with the cards and the map." Remus looked downward. "It was not your fault that the Bones died. The Aurors shouldn’t have gotten themselves captured, our replacements should have gotten another map, but most of all, Voldemort shouldn’t have killed them. It was Voldemort’s wand that shot the spell, and Voldemort’s lips that spoke the incantation." At that moment, as they put on their helmets and climbed on the motorcycle, Remus felt a great weight had been lifted from inside him. I suppose I really did know that all along, Remus thought to himself. I just needed somebody to say it. Remus Lupin’s heart was still broken, and he still greived for the Bones, and it would be a long time before those wounds were healed. But the first step to recovery had been taken. His sould had stopped bleeding. Christmas dinner had been planned as a large affair that year. But after the incident with the Bones, most of the people Lily and James had invited to the meal, didn’t feel like coming anymore. The only ones who came to their house were Remus and Sirius. And it really was better that way. Just the four friends. After dinner but before the dessert, Sirius stood up and attempted to say something. But he was taken down with a blob of mashed potatoes, and his speech had to wait until after the pie. All traces of pie eaten, Sirius attempted his declamation again. "It is not easy to put aside this morning’s pain and sadness. Or last night’s," Sirius said with a particular look at Remus. "And we will never forget. How can we? No life is ever truly forgotten. But life goes on, despite pain and hardship. In the spirit of Christmas, I advise to abide by the Charles Dicken philosophy; learn from the past, be wary of the future, but live in the present. For Now is the only time that we can do anything about. And speaking of presents, here’s something for Remus from all of us." Sirius handed out a fairly large package, which was quite heavy, even for it’s size. Remus untied the ribbon, and tore off the paper. Inside were four books, The Hobbit, The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King. "We figured you needed a new copy, Lily piped up from where she sat feeding Harry. "You’re old ones are falling apart. Look inside." She smiled. Remus lifted the front cover of The Hobbit, and saw something written there in Sirius’ handwriting. Dear Remus, Remember, no man is a failure who has friends. Merry Christmas. -Sirius, James and Lily. Remus Lupin looked around at the smiling faces of his dearest friends, and realized that life wasn’t so bad after all. Authors Note: So, waddaya think? My second fic of any great length. I’m sorry I had to do that to poor Remus. I will forward any hate mail to Robyn Goodfellow (yes, I know, Puck). Though she will probably appear in this other story I’m writing, and will probably be much different. This fic, and "You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go" really have nothing to do with my whole big theory and my own personal theory that I have invented for the characters. Please review, it’ll make my day. Flames can be very useful, it’s almost Christmas, and I want a fire in the fireplace. S’mores would be good too. But seriously, if you want to flame me, please be original and creative, and if not that, at least entertaining. If it’s good I’ll share it with the world in the "Flame Hall of Shame". Disclaimer: Remus, Sirius, James, Lily, Dumbledore, Harry and the Bones are J.K. Rowling’s. I get Robyn (oh yay), and Will Bone’s first name. Sorry, but I like to claim anything I can get my hands on.